What Do You Say to Someone Who Says They Dont Want Talk About It
The elephant in the room.
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We all recognize the family unit fellow member, spouse, lover, or friend whose behavior falls into what we perceive equally the passive-aggressive category. When a state of affairs arises that begs for a word or resolution—whether simple or complicated—they will ignore you, walk away, or storm out proverb, "I don't want to talk about it." Usually, this leaves you with pent-upward acrimony because the situation remains unresolved and you feel insulted.
Very oft, passive-aggressive people have a subconscious calendar problem simply fifty-fifty they might not recognize this. For instance, they might want something from you lot, simply do not express it or they are unsure about how to express it. So when a problem arises, he or she may prefer this "I don't desire to talk nigh it" stance.
It'due south always about you!
Or as can be the example with younger couples, she may say, "I feel this relationship is becoming one-sided. It's always almost your needs." And he gets into his motorcar and drives off. The problem here is that neither one knows how to approach the elephant in the room.
An interesting instance of how damaging this can be to a relationship came to me by adventure one evening at a social gathering. A swain said to me, "You write about relationships, right?" Then without taking a jiff he blurted out: "She wants me to exist a mind reader. I don't want to read her mind. When something is wrong I want her to tell me. If I enquire her what the problem is, she storms out saying, 'I don't want to talk virtually it.' Or she'll say, 'You lot just don't get it.'"
Your decision and what to exercise almost it
Words play a fundamental role in the way men and women move in and out of a human relationship. While men see sniping and biting words equally masking hidden agendas, and oftentimes they practice, women often say to me that their bitter remarks are a reaction to their man's passive-aggressive behavior.
Here is how the young man who asked me for assist solved his own trouble in a rather ingenious way —with his new car manual:
"I said to her ane day, 'Take a look at this. It's a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a trouble. Pretend I'm a machine. Testify me what's wrong. Make a listing of what you want. I'll try to fix it. But don't keep telling me that 'I don't get it,' because I don't."
And then, rather sadly, he added, "What she doesn't get is that nosotros are both losing this battle."
Five thoughts that might aid:
- Create a condom zone within your habitation—call information technology the tranquility spot. When the ii of you seem to be in conflict, wait until emotions settle and suggest a three-minute talk in the condom place.
- Explain that yous are confused by the reaction to a situation and what could yous have said to accept created a better atmosphere for a dialogue—without maxim, "Yous do this to me all the time."
- Wait for the rut of an argument to pass and utilize the auto manual example or something that will resonate from the world of business organisation or sports.
- Refuse to be bullied into believing that the problem is your error. Calmly explain the facts without drama or accusations. Perhaps even say, "There's this elephant in the room. We both know it's there. But we don't desire to talk almost. Nosotros're on other sides of the elephant and I tin can't seem to achieve you."
- Write a annotation or leave a bill of fare that says, "When you storm out, it is hurtful. Can we discuss what I said that triggered your anger and how nosotros might resolve this in the future?"
Both men and women with hidden agendas may be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid to share—which is where "I don't desire to talk about it" comes in. So instead they sulk. For example, in questions almost their relationship: She wants to exist married. He wants companionship with no commitments. She wants security. He merely wants a sexual partner. She wants to retire and garden. He wants to travel. Both say zero and they play the game or when i of them brings up the subject, the other says, "I don't want to talk almost it."
If a person in our lives disappoints us once or twice, it might be understandable. Just what happens if it becomes a blueprint? It can simply become a design if you allow it to happen. To protect yourself and maintain self-respect, say something, in a kind simply firm way. Seek marital counseling as a way to save your human relationship.
And if this behavior occurs with a friend, and you lose that friend because he or she is insulted that you spoke up, let the person go. Have a good cry. Then motion on. Express gratitude that y'all have been freed to find a relationship in which the two of you bring out the best in each other.
(You may wish to read the downside of texting dearest and revisit the movie, "Sideways," in When Honey is Rejected: 8 Means to Cope in a Texting World.)
Copyright 2015 Rita Watson.
References
NB: An interesting word of passive-aggressiveness can exist found in Psychiatry. 2009 Fall; 72(3): 256–267, doi: x.1521/psyc.2009.72.three.256 , "The Construct Validity of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder" by Christopher J. Hopwood, PhD, et al.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-and-gratitude/201507/how-deal-stop-i-don-t-want-talk-about-it